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i wrote this a long time ago.  i figure i could present it again just too be annoying.   enjoy

Edge-ness and Beyond

(Writer’s note: This is satire. This by no means meant to be cruel. Wait. It is meant to be cruel. This stuff is not true. Well, most of it is not true. I think)

(Disclaimer Note: Please disregard the Writer’s note. The writer has been working many hours and is suffering from fatigue and breathing in a lot of nasty fumes.)

This report is an attempt to understand the concept of Edge-ness. We will be looking into items that are affected by this concept. Most of the observations will center on a young lady, age twenty-something, middle class, from the Northeast part of the United States. For the purpose of this report and to maintain her secrecy, we will refer to her as Ms. Z.

Ms. Z. has been classified as a strict follower of Edge-ness. This has been confirmed by doctors and colleagues.

At the end of this report, it is hoped that we will be able to answer what exactly Edge-ness is and how it affects daily lives.

It should be noted that several attempts have been made to study Edge-ness. All of these attempts failed. The people doing such attempts were either killed by a scud missile or locked up for stalking. This is the first time that anyone has made a comprehensive study on Edge-ness.

Before going on, I would like to thank all of those involve with this study. They are the CIA, FBI, NSA, IRS, ASPCA, my lawyers, BBC, Department of Homeland Security, The Patriot Act, Yakko Warner, Wacko Warner, Dot Warner, Monty Python, Al Franken, Dave Berry, Akira Toriyama, and the cute girl who came up to my hotel room last night.

We began by stalking certain areas where Ms. Z. was known to hang out. We followed her intensely for twelve days. We have video to back this up, however this video is not available to the public due to national security.

After observing Ms. Z. We entered a local drinking establishment where Ms. Z. was seen in. There we found a young gentleman who knew Ms. Z. He agree to be interviewed. For the sake of his secrecy, we will call him Mr. S.

Here is part of the transcript of the interview.

Mr. S., Do you know Ms. Z.

Mr. S.:   Yes, I met her the other night. I thought she looked like a very attractive lady. I went up to her and asked her if I could buy her a drink. She accepted the offer. After drinking her drink, she took my head and nailed it to the bar counter. She then hit me over the head with a wine bottle and kicked me in the groin. I thanked her and she left.

Boiler1:  Was there anything else?

Mr. S.: As she was leaving, I asked if she would like to go back to my place and have some fun. She ripped my shirt off, poured pure grain alcohol on me, then threw a lit match on me. I naturally caught on fire. Then she mention that she had to go home and walk her dog. I have not seen her since.

Boiler1: Thank you, Shinbits…er…Mr. S.


I should point out that Mr. S. is recovering from third degree burns on his chest. He is still holding on to hope that Ms. Z. will accept his offering to go home with him for some fun.


After looking around the city, we decided we should interview the dog. For the dog’s security, we will refer to her as "M".

Here is part of that transcript.
M, do you know Ms. Z.?

 M: Woof.

 Boiler1: How long have you known her?

 M: Woof.

 Boiler1: Would you please explain the concept of Edge-ness and it’s effects on Ms. Z.

 M:  Woof.

After a while, the dog performed a neat trick involving shaving cream on her mouth.

After talking with the dog, we drove over to the see the Governor of New York, along with the Governor of Pennsylvania, Governor of Massachusetts and Senator from Connecticut.

When we got there, Gov. Pataki was issuing a executive order along with the other governors to abolish Edge-ness. Senator Joe Leibermann demanded that a full investigation be conducted by the Senate. A letter was read by Secretary of Defense, Don Rumsfield, on the clear and present danger of Edge-ness on this country.

We knew if we wanted to finish our study, we had better hurry up before the government decides to liquidate anyone participating in Edge-ness.

We knew we had to interview more people. We received a tip of a young lady that wrote a book. She claimed she had a run in with Ms. Z. For the sake of this new persons security, we refer to her as Ms. C. Also participating in the interview was another young lady from Canada whom we refer to as Ms. R.

 Boiler1:  Would you please explain the concept of Edge-ness and it’s effects on Ms. Z.

Ms. C: She said she like the book. She especially enjoyed the part where I explain on how these children were being used in laboratories. She mention that there were a couple of people she wanted to perform such experiments. I informed her that this was just fiction, but she did not care.

 Boiler1:  How about you, Ms. R? What was your encounter like when you met Ms. Z?

Ms. R:  It was great! We went down to the local university and began to make lewd comments at all of the cute guys. Then we went over, took a couple of them back to her house, dressed them up and made them clean the floors by hand. No mops!  

As we continued with our study, we were finally able to make contact with a member of another team that tried to study this phenomenon. This young lady’s team was wiped out by a scud missile. She survived by ducking inside an old abandon oil well. When she did this, this caused a local toilet to "burp" crude oil. We will refer to her as Ms. A.

 Boiler1: Ms. A, would you please explain what happen.

Ms. A:  We had just finished doing our research and began to sit down to type up the final report. I had the radar on. Right before the report was completed, I saw two scud missiles heading for us. We all immediately tried to get away. I found an abandoned oil well and jumped inside. Not everyone else was fortunate like me. My partner, Mr. Blue, is still in the hospital. He has been in a coma for the past three years. He has yet to see his14 month old son.

It was then we realize that our lives were in danger. We immediately went back and try to talk with the dog.

Boiler1: M, would our lives be in danger if we continue with this study?

M:  Woof.

Boiler1:  What should we do?

M:  Woof.

After talking the dog, we tried to go for the main source. We will talk directly with Ms. Z. We drew straws and sure enough, I drew the short one.

I slowly approached Ms. Z. I could see her walking her dog. I made arrangements with the dog to stop at the fourth tree she comes by. When the dog stop, I approached her. I introduced myself to her. She introduced herself, then sprayed me with a can of mace. She then took out a giant sledgehammer and began to hit me on my head. I tried to ask for help from my team, but they ran away in fear. I then pointed out that the dog looked cute. She stopped momentary. She looked at the dog. She saw it’s sad eyes. She gazed at the fluffy fur at the butt of the dog. She mentioned how cute the dog was. Then she proceeded to hit me again with the sledgehammer.

I tried to escape but only made it to the next tree. She kicked me with her spiked heel and dragged me from my hair. This is when I notice the strength she had. I weigh over three hundred pounds.

She then dragged me to a garbage dumpster and threw me into it.

After she left, I immediately headed back to my team and fired them. I decided the best thing to do was to send all of my research back to Ms. A. in the hopes that she can solve this riddle called Edge-ness. As of this writing, I see a couple of scud missile heading my way. I hope that Ms. A can complete the work until I recover from the injuries I am about to receive.



A Look into the Lifestyle of Edge-ness


Sep. 7th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
Ms. C= Chloe
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:42 am (UTC)
oh, Chloe... forgot about her. haven't seened her in liek forevar.

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