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The Anipike Kingdom

i wrote this a long time ago, but lost it.  i am having trouble remembering what i wrote.
so here is the deal, if any of you guys want to finish this piece, or if you have it, GO FOR IT.   who knows, maybe we can come up with something...
here is what i got.

The Anipike Kingdom
(A Fairy Tale in Satire)


(Warning: This satire if written properly, will cause the reader extreme pain due to laughing.)

Narrator: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far, away lived a lovely queen. Her Name was Queen Arshes Nei. Queen Arshes had a daughter that was lovelier than she, named Princess Chloe. Everyone in the Kingdom loved Princess Chloe.
However, Queen Arshes had an enemy named Baron Eclipse. The queen was upset that the evil baron would annoy her subjects. She demanded that he cease in annoying her subjects. The evil baron, in retaliation, kidnapped the fair Princess Chloe and took her back to his castle. Legend has it that Baron Eclipse’s Castle is guarded by an evil army led by the terrible dragon, Boiler1.
(Scene: Baron Eclipse and his entourage are approaching his castle. Blocking the path is the dragon, Boiler1. Boiler1 is sitting in a very tiny chair drinking a cup of tea. Boiler1 is 75 feet long from snout to tail and 30 feet tall in his mid-section. Sitting with Boiler1, also drinking tea is a cannibal chef that is also the dragon’s keeper, Stonz.)

Eclipse: (To boiler1) Uh…Dragon? Could you please move? I would like to get into my castle.
(Boiler looks at the baron)
Boiler1: (In a calm proper English accent) Can’t you wait?
Eclipse: No, I cannot wait. I want to go inside my castle now!
Boiler1: Do you mind?   I am having my coffee break, now.
Eclipse: (Shouting) A coffee break?
Boiler1: No need to shout, sir. I can hear you.
Eclipse: Look, just please move. As soon as I have pass, you can finish your coffee break.
Boiler1: Nonononononono. As stated in the union contract book, page 49, paragraph 2, I am permitted to have an uninterrupted 15 minutes coffee break. I was 14 minutes into my break when you interrupted me. Now I have to start all over again. Care for some tea?
Eclipse: Tea? You just said you were on a coffee break.
Boiler1: Page 49, paragraph 3, states that I can drink whatever I want as long as it does not contain alcohol.
Eclipse: Cut me a break.
Boiler1: You wrote the contract out, not me.
Eclipse: (growling) Very well. I will have to tie the princess to a tree until you are done.
Boiler1: Wrong. The trees are taking a break, also.
Eclipse: Come on. Can I tie her to a post?
(Boiler1 points with his tail to a post)
Boiler1: You can tie her up to that post. That post is a non-union working scab.
Eclipse: Very well.
(Eclipse takes Princess Chloe and ties her up to a post. He then puts a gag into her mouth.)
Boiler1: I say, is that a union-made gag?
Eclipse: How should I know?
Boiler1: Look for the union label.
Eclipse: Look, I am sorry. I was in a rush coming back from the Queens Castle and just picked one up. I promise I will go out later and buy a union made gag.
Boiler1: Well, I guess that is alright. However, I am going to have to bring this up with the brothers at the next union meeting.


(New Setting: The Royal Palace of Queen Arshes Nei.
The Queen is sitting on her throne with all of her subjects before her.)

Queen Arshes: (In a Queen Victoria-style accent) People of the Anipike kingdom. We have a royal crisis. The evil Baron Eclipse has kidnapped my lovely daughter, Princess Chloe. (Members of the audience begin to yell, “shame”) Who among you is willing to go and rescue my daughter?
Lord Aoshi: If I may, your highness, the baron has a fire breathing dragon and an army of evil.
Queen Arshes: Silence, Aoshi. (Hits Lord Aoshi with her scepter) Off to the dungeons with you. (Guards carry off Lord Aoshi) My daughter is more important than any fire-breathing dragon or army of evil. Is there not one person who can rescue my daughter?
(The doors to the palace burst open. A giant white steed carrying the proud and noble Sir BG comes in. BG dismounts his horse, removes his helmet and shield. He then approaches the Queen. Before reaching her, he flexes his muscles, causing the metal of his suit to come undone. He is now bare-chested. Women in the audience begin to scream and run after him. They are met by the royal guards who do their best to contain them.)
BG: (To the Queen) (In a deep man-ly man voice) I, BG, the blue ghost, shall rescue your daughter, the lovely and radiant Princess Chloe. I only require one assistant to be my comic relief and to get hurt on my journey.
(The court Jester, Leon-puu, begins to laugh)
Leon-puu: Only a fool would be your assistant.
Queen Arshes:
Good idea fool.
Leon-puu: Huh?
Queen Arshes:
Unless you assist Sir BG, you will be forced to wear a Teletubbies outfit, forever.
Leon-puu: I knew I should have given this job back to Bugs Bunny.
Queen Arshes:
By the way, Sir BG, nice pecks. Off with you.
(Sir BG mounts his horse and rides off. As he leaves the building, he blows a kiss to all of the girls. All of the girls faint.)

(New Scene)
(Setting: On the road to the evil Baron Eclipse’s Castle. Sir BG and Leon-puu are riding along beside each other.)

BG: Hmm. It looks like the road gets very dark up ahead. Leon-puu, race forward and see if there are any booby traps or other dangers lurking in the shadows.
Leon-puu: Why should I?
BG: If you don’t, then you must wear the royal teletubby outfit.
(Leon-puu growls at BG, but races ahead. A few minutes later we hear Leon-puu scream while other noises are heard. Leon-puu comes back to BG with arrows all over his body)
Leon-puu: There appears to be some danger lurking ahead, sire.
BG: Very good. Take those arrows out of your body. You might get hurt if you keep them inside of you.
Leon-puu: Yes, sire. Right away, sire.
(Leon-puu begins to pull out the arrows from his body as BG slowly moves forward.)
BG: Stay close, Leon-puu.
Leon-puu: Yes, sire. Almost got all of the arrows out, sire.
BG: What sort of danger did you see?

Leon-puu: (All of the arrows are out) Two ugly old witches, sire.
(Out from the shadows of the tree stand two sexy ladies wearing only a leather body suit.)(The ladies are the sorceresses, Aoi and Lisa)
Lisa:
Ugly? Who are you calling ugly?
Aoi:
I am not old!
Lisa:
We are not witches. Do we look like some old hags that should be on broomsticks?
Leon-puu: Yes.
(Lisa pushes her right-hand forward toward Leon-puu. A small energy wave leaves her hand and impacts Leon-puu, blowing up. Leon-puu is now covered from head to toe with char.)
BG: (To Leon-puu) Good Lord, man, have you no respect for ladies? You should be clean at all times. Wipe off the char from your body.
Leon-puu: Yes, sire.
(Leon-puu wipes off the char from his body)
BG: (To Lisa and Aoi) Who are you ladies?
Aoi:
We are sorceresses. We are looking for annoying men to eat. We would like to eat your squire.
BG: This man is not my squire, but he is my assistant. If you wish to eat him, you may do so after we have completed our mission.
Lisa:
What is your mission?
(BG standup in his saddle and point down the road.)
BG: (Shouting boldly) To rescue the Princess Chloe from the evil Baron Eclipse!
(BG flexes his chest muscle, causing his suit of armor to fall off)
Aoi:
(wolf whistles) Nice pecks.
Lisa: We shall join you on your quest, for we have a grudge against Baron Eclipse.

 

(New Scene)

(Due to the fact that the sorceresses had only one horse, BG ordered Leon-puu to walk and give his horse to Lisa.)

BG: Please keep up with us, Leon-puu.

(Leon-puu is short of breath and trying to run to stay even with the group)

Leon-puu: Yes, sire.   I will do my best sire.

 (A scream is heard down the road)

BG: Leon-puu, run up ahead and investigate the scream we just heard.   This time, try not to get yourself hurt.

Leon-puu: Yes, sire.

 (Leon-puu runs up ahead.   He finally sees where the screams were coming from.   It was a beautiful maiden, Makaveli, tied up to a tree.)

Makaveli: (In a quiet pleasant voice) Is there not a noble knight around here who can save me?   Help.   Someone help me, please.

Leon-puu: I am not a noble knight, but could you be rescued by a handsome assistant to a noble knight?

Makaveli: Yes, I could.   Do you know where one might be at?

(Leon-puu begins to flex his chest muscle)

Leon-puu: Why, I am an assistant to a noble knight and I am handsome.

(Makaveli bursts into tears, laughing)

Makaveli: You are such a kidder.   Seriously, could you please find me a handsome knight or a handsome assistant to rescue me.

Leon-puu: Do not worry, for I shall be the one to rescue you.

Makaveli: Look, do not touch my ropes.   I can only be rescue by someone who is handsome and noble.   Many men have tried and have been attack by my guardian.

Leon-puu: Do not fear.   For I can handle any guardian.

(Leon-puu begins to untie the bonds of Makaveli.   Suddenly a squirrel comes out and attacks Leon-puu in the face.   Leon-puu screams in pain while trying to get the squirrel off of him.   Sir BG rides up to Leon-puu, who is now on the ground wrestling with the squirrel on his face.)

BG: Leon-puu, please get off the ground.   You are creating a small dust cloud.

Leon-puu: Sorry, sire.   I am having some problems with this squirrel.

BG: Well, give it an acorn and maybe it will leave you alone.   Must I do all of your thinking, man?

(BG tosses an acorn to the squirrel.    The squirrel gets off Leon-puu and begins to eat the acorn.   BG dismounts his horse and approaches Makaveli.)

Makaveli: Dear noble knight, could you please undo my bonds and free me?

BG: Yes I shall, for I am (Puts his hands on his hips and does a stud pose)(speaks with a deep echoing voice)  Sir BG, the blue ghost! (The armor on his chest comes undone again)

(BG grabs the ropes with his bare hands and rips them apart.   Makaveli immediately jumps into BG’s arms and places a long passionate kiss on his lips)

Makaveli: My hero.

(BG drops Makaveli and begins to wipe his mouth with a lace hankie.)

BG: Madame, please, that is so unsanitary.

(Makaveli hugs BG’s leg)

Makaveli: I want to have your children.

BG: Get thee to a convent, lady.   For I am on a very important mission (Deep echoing voice) to rescue the Princess Chloe from the evil Baron Eclipse!

Makaveli: As you wish, my lord.  For if I cannot have you, than no man shall have me, therefore I shall remain pure and virgin. (Makaveli runs off toward a convent)

BG: (To the Squirrel) And you, who are you and why did you tie that lady up?

Risu: I am the squirrel of mischief, Risu.   I was bored.

BG: There are better ways of relieving boredom my fury friend.   Do you know where the Baron’s castle is?

Risu: Yes, sire.   For I belong to the same local union that the evil dragon belongs to.

BG:  Very well.   Please run up ahead and informed the Princess Chloe that she will be rescued soon.

Risu: I shall do this, sire.   I do however wish to be compensated for this journey.

BG: Very well.  (To Leon-puu) Leon-puu, please give this squirrel your two nuts.

Leon-puu: WHAT?   SIRE!

BG: The two acorns you carry with you in your bag.   My God, man, what did you think I was referring to?

(Leon-puu gave Risu two acorns and Risu ran forward of the group to inform the Princess)

Comments

makaveli_esco
Sep. 10th, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
a convent?

...

I'm aetheist...
boiler1
Sep. 10th, 2006 09:20 am (UTC)
*bangs head on desk*
WORK WITH ME ON THIS PEOPLE!!!

it's bad enough i forgot to do an lj cut on this.


i need a vacation

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